#SORRY KIKITA | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yoursafehavensblog · 1 year ago

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Mahal ko kasi eh kaya mas pinili ko mag stay dati.

Akala ko sagot na yung pagmamahal sakanya

Pera pala ang sagot kasi puro problema nga daw dala ko dahil struggling ako sa pera. Yes, ako yung nagstruggle, sakin umepekto yung ginagawa nyang kagaguhan behind ng relationship namin.

Habang nagpapakasaya sya sa babae nya, habang nagpapakasaya sya sa pera at sa ibat ibang klase ng babae sa beerhouse na wala akong kaalam alam, ako nasa bahay, nagdudusa kakaisip paano ako kikita ng pera, paano ko maiaayos yung meron kami, paano ko makukuha ulit yung attention nya.

Yung totoo, paano kayo nakakatulog sa gabi lalo ka na Aeron, nakikita mo ko, katabi mo ko, paano mo nate take sa sarili mo na halos araw araw mo pasamain ang kalooban ko, durugin ang pagkatao ko sa mga salitang binibitawan mo? Sleeping very soundly pa kayong nalalaman. Sana lahat ganyan, sana lahat nakakatulog ng payapa.

Kasi ako hanggang ngayon? Heto nagpupulot ako ng sarili ko kasi tangina hanggang ngayon napakasakit ng nangyari na to!

Ni ayaw na nga kita makita eh as in ayaw ko na makita ka pa kasi natatakot ako na bumalik lang lahat ng sakur at takot na nararamdaman ko sayo. Natatakot ako na baka sa isang iglap na yung sarili ko na pinagtatagpi tagpi ko, bigla na namang mabasag sa salitang bibitawan mo.

Please lang, wag mo na ko saktan ulit. Kahit di mo na nga ako kausapin okay na ko eh, kahit wag na kita makita okay na ko. Kasi di mo alam yung dinulot mo sakin mula sa mga masasakit na salita na binitawan mo hanggang sa mga sikretong nagsasaya ka sa ibat ibang babae at may ka late night talks ka pa na katrabaho mo. Para akong binuhusan ng gaas sa buong katawan ko saka sinindihan. Sobrang nakakapaso, sobrang nakakasunog.

Kulang ako sa pera oo, nagkulang ako at naging problema mo ko dun, pero akala ko, tulad dati na nung ikaw yung walang wala, hindi kita iniwan, ni hindi ko nga naisip isumbat sayo yun eh kasi gusto ko yung ginagawa ko, kasi mahal kita at walang kahit anumang halaga ng pera makakatumbas nun.

Umalis ka kasi palagi tayo nag aaway?

Pinili mo sya kasi mas payapa ka sakanya?

Sana inisip mo muna yan, na hindi tayo mag aaway kung pagtutulungan natin tulad dati na hindi naman kalakihan ang perang nahahawakan natin.

Sino ba may gusto ng away? Sana nakita mo yung pagtahimik ko wag lang tayo magtalo. Sana nakita mo lahat ng pagbibigay ko sayo ng mga gusto mo lalo sa oras na gusto mo sa sarili mo para lang wag tayo magtalo.

Pera? Sana balikan mo yung mga panahon na nagsisimula palang tayo, na kung anong meron ako, gusto ko meron ka din kaya gnagawa ko lahat maibigay ko lang sayo, wala tong halong sumbat kasi gusto ko lang imulat sayo na kahit kelan hindi kita hinanapan ng pera, hindi kita prinessure magkapera at never ko naisip sumbat sayo lahat ng naibibigay ko kasi minahal kita at mahal kita.

Struggling ako noon oo. Nakikita mo kong natutulog, late gumigising, late natutulog, without asking ano ba tumatakbo sa isipan ko? Alam mo ba kung ano?

PERA. Pera na ibabayad ko sayo, pera na kailangan kong kitain para mapatunayan lang sayo na karapat dapat ako na hindi ko naman dapat ginagawa kasi kung sapat na ako sayo at may kakuntentuhan ka din sa pagsasama na meron tayo, never mo iisipin gumawa ng mali eh, never mo pipiliin na makita akong umiiyak.

Napakabilis ko naman pasayahin Aeron eh, alam mo naman yan. Napakabilis ko tanggapin ung sorry o paglalambing na ginagawa mo kapag nagtatalo tayo. Hindi ko sukat maintindihan sayo na sa kabila ng pagiging masayahin kong tao mas pinili mo kong saktan at paiyakin.

Naalala mo dati, lagi mo sinasabi sakin NAGING BATO ANG PUSO KO DAHIL SAYO!

Kakasabi mo ng ganyan, pakiramdam ko ako na yung naging bato ang puso ko dahil sa mga sakit na pinaramdam mo. Sobrang sakit Aeron.

Hindi ko sukat akalain na ako nalang pala nakakakita mag isa na ikaw makakasama ko hanggang pagtanda habang ikaw nangangarap ka ng ibang tao habang kasama mo ako sa iisang bubong.

Ang daya. Ang hirap. Ang sakit. Na kahit binigay ko na lahat lahat sayo, di ka pa din nakuntento.

Kaya please lang Aeron, kung naiisipan mo akong dalawin, puntahan, at naiisipan mong iayos natin ulit tong meron tayo, please lang sana mapanindigan mo yan, kasi kapag nabasag pa ko ulit, wala na. Wala nakong maibibigay sayo. Kaya ko bgyan ka ng chance eh, pero sana wala ka nang sabit, wala nang hahadlang, wala nang ibang babaeng involve, sana ako nalang. Ako nalang sana ulit yung nag iisa. Wag mo na paglaruan puso ko Aeron, kasi pagod na pagod na ko eh. Pagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na ko labanan yung sakit na idinulot mo.

Oo, ikaw lang naman sagot nito eh, pag aalaga mo, pagmamahal mo na ako lang tulad dati, pero di na maggng sapat yun kung palagi na akong may mga kahati sayo. Nagsettle ako for less, pinili ko tumayo sa sulok para lang magawa mo lahat ng gusto mo habang magkasama tayo, ni hindi ko alam kung nakita mo lahat ng mga sinakripisyo ko para sayo para lang makita kang masaya at maenjoy mo buhay mo kahit hindi na tulad dati ang pagtingin mo sakin, kahit di na asawa ang tingin mo sakin, tinanggap ko kasi mahal kita. Sobrang mahal kita. Pero mas pinili mong wag pahalagahan yung pagmamahal na binigay ko sayo, mas pinili mong saktan mo ako, di lang isang beses, kundi paulit ulit mo ko sinaktan, dinurog at sinunog mo buong pagkatao ko.

“The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment you absolutely and utterly have to walk away.”

— Alyssia Harris

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rant22455 · 3 months ago

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sorry mahal sa lahat ng lungkot na nararamdaman mo ng dahil saken 🥺 kahit ayaw mo na patuloy padin kitang mamahalin kahit ako nalang yung nag mamahal sa dulo 😔 Iloveyou AMPA 😭☺️😘 kahit sa ganyan kabilis na pag kikita lang buo na araw ko 🥺 thankyouuu 😭😘🥺

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break404 · 4 months ago

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ang pag amin

may meeting non sa team 12.

nag pa open-forum si mommy kasi nalulungkot daw sya na di makapag work-well ang team kasi may hindi okay sa mga miyembro.

nag ask sila daddy kung sino ang nakakaramdam na may di pagkakaunawaan sa support team. isa daw kasi iyon sa reason kung bakit di maka-alagwa ang bawat isa at hindi lumalago ang church.

pinapikit nya kami at pinag raise ng hand.

At bilang honest na tao, nag raise ako ng hand dahil akala ko isa iyon sa magiging solusyon para ma settle yung issue sa loob. Ayoko rin kasi maging reason kung bakit di lumalago ang aming church e.

That time, tatlo daw ang nag taas ng hands. Alam kong nag raise din ng hand si pj. di ko lang maidentify kung sino yung isa. (or possible nag bluff lang that time si dad para di halatang ako lang ang nag raise ng hand and si pj)

After that, nag speak si dad. Makipag ayos na daw para goods na ang flow kasi di naman daw kami mag kakaaway. Then nag raise ng concern si pj. "pano po dad kung kapag tinuturuan mo pero mas nagiging mediocre sya." sa pag rraise nya ng concern na yon, alam kong may pinapatamaan sya at alam rin ng lahat na magiging reason yon para mag karoon ulit ng panibagong issue. Sometimes the seems to become the solution is the source of a bigger problem.

Kinabukasan, after the meeting, nag chat sakin si dad,

"humingi ka na ba ng sorry kay pj? etc.,"

from that may wrong move na si dad. As if ako ang may kasalanan sa lahat. Pero dahil inask nya ko, nag ask din ako...

"Ako po ba yung pinapatamaan ni pj kanina?"

tanong ko kay daddy. Pero di umamin si daddy. Chinat nya rin daw si kuya zaldy , ate val and kuya marzan. kami daw kasi ang laging kasama ni pj sa media. Pero alam kong ang intensyon ni dad ay masettle ang issue sa media. Pero, mas lalo lang lumala. A message creates another message, mas nabuksan ang mga issue and all. Sinusunod ko lahat ng pinapagawa ni dad. Pero....

while sinesettle ang issue sa media, may another issue na lumutang.

May natuklasan akong nagpayanig ng tiwala ko sa mga taong nakapaligid sakin.

Meron akong knoconsolidate that time, si Jannah. Magaling yung batang yon specially yung influence nyang maka-collect ng mga tao around her. Madali kami nakapag open ng Life group sa vergon because of her pero a one mistake, shocks everyone.

Nag ID kami ni Jannah one night sa mcdo district. Actually that was 2AM. Di ko kasi sya ma-consolidate dahil nga di sya pinapayagan lumabas ng tita nya. Pero pinapayagan daw sya pag mga ganong oras. Kaya gnrab ko na ang opportunity. Ang nasa isip ko lang that time is to reach & equip and do the commission.

That night alam kong may gustong sabihin si Jannah sakin hindi nya lang alam kung pano nya sasabihin. I just feel it na merong something.

Ang topic namin that time is Life connect topic 3, connection to the church. Isa sa natackle namin is the attachment sa people.

Inask ko sya kung meron ba sa church na attach sya. As her life guide and ate, concern ako sa kung paano sya manamit at kumilos. Kung paano sya makipag communicate and to her whole well-being.

Alam ng Diyos na I am doing my job as a life guide. But the enemy really comes to steal, kill and destroy.

That time, Jannah admitted na meron syang karelasyon sa loob ng church. Hindi ako nashock sa sinabi nyang yan. Pero nashock ako sa kung sino yung binanggit nyang pangalan.

"Si boni" sabi nya.

Si boni ay isa sa pinakakilalang tao sa church namin because of his ability to connect sa people, mapabata man o adult. Sa katunayan nga, coordinator sya ng J12 kids. Part din sya ng team 12.

Hindi ko pinahalatang nagulat ako sa mga sinabi sakin ni Jannah. Tinanong ko sya kung alam na ba ni kuya mack (life guide ni boni) na mag karelasyon sila. Malayo ang age nilang dalawa, pero isa sa pinaka ekis is minor palang si Jannah.

"sabi po boni, sya na daw pong bahala mag sabi kala daddy at sa guide nya." - sabi ni jannah

"nasabi naman na nya?"

"di ko po sure"

inask ko si Jannah kung nag kikita parin sila every night, yes daw. Kaya alam kong di pa nasasabi ni boni kala kuya mack ang meron sa kanila ni Jannah. Kasi kung alam iyon ni kuya, titigil na silang magkita.

Kinabukasan, nireport ko agad kala msloi ang aking nasagap. Sabi kasi ni msloi, kapag di ko kayang isolve, need kong ibaba sa person na kayang mag handle ng issue na ganito.

From that moment, alam kong malaya ako. And alam kong may gagawin silang action.

Pero, masyadong mabilis ang pangyayari at ang daming nangyayari. Sunday afternoon, lumapit si Jannah kay ate sol. Nag ask sya kung anong pakiramdam ng mabuntis and all. From that, na curious si ate sol kung bakit nag ask ng ganon si Jannah sa kanya.

Until, umamin si Jannah kay ate sol. Sinabi nyang may relationship sila ni Boni at may nangyari na sa kanila.

From that moment, i feel so free and proud for Jannah. Sabi ko ksi sa ID namin, kailangan nya iyan aminin para makalaya. Need malaman ng mga accountable sa kanila yung nangyayari. Pero since na sabi na sakin ni Jannah and na baba ko na kala msloi. Undercover na kami sa part na yon. Pero ang issue ko that time is si Boni.

"kaya sigro recently, di na sya makapag assist sa J12. Di rin sya makausap ng maayos."

"bakit di nya sinabi kala kuya mack? bakit nya tinatago si Jannah? saka bakit si Jannah? minor pa yon. Sya ang nakakaalam ng word, sya dapat ang nag gguide sa bata."

yan yung mga arguments ko that time. But i'm still giving boni the benefit of the doubt.

Hinintay ko ang hatol ng mga nasa authority at ang kanilang mga desisyon. Knoconsolidate ko parin si jannah while waiting sa management ng instruction kung anong gagawin sa kanilang dalawa. Kahit alam kong mejo di na okay ang situation ni Jannah, at alam kong madedehado rin ako, tinuloy ko parin ang consolidation. Ang goal ko lang naman kasi is do the commission. Ang need kasing maayos is yung mga hindi ayos. Mas plus points kay Lord kapag ganon.

Dahil sa nangyari, naging mas mahigpit ang management. Pinagbawalan ang pag IID ng gabi at sa loob ng kampo. Kahit ang online ID, specially kapag opposite sex. Kaya nabengbang si adrean nung nag ID sila ni Jannah ng night kaya mejo nag karoon din ng hinanakit si yano that time. Kasi teacher sya sa life journey, isa iyon sa requirements. And di rin kaya ng sched nya ng morning, kaya night sila nag ID.

Akala ko for opposite sex lang yung memo na yon.

nag ID kami ni Jannah ng 9pm sa kampo. nakita kami ni mommy dahil nag stop by sya doon para mag cr. Kinabukasan, may memo narin ako from msloi, kung bakit daw kami gabi nag ID. Alam kong kahit anong explanation ko, walang mangyayari dahil ang goal nila is maprotektahan kami at idiscourage iyon. Pero walang prior notice for that kaya di clear sakin kung anong dapat na iprio. Yung proteksyon samin o yung gawin ang utos na galing lang din naman sa kanila. To consolidate. Sa ganoong sitwasyon, na ramdaman ko nang parang may mali.

Hanggang sa nag karoon ng Premetanoia for batch genesis. Gusto kong ipaattend si Jannah non dahil baka through that, mag karoon sya ng change life and makapag surrender na sa Lord ng buo at iconfess narin mga gsto nyang iconfess.

Pinuntahan ko sya sa bahay nila pero di pumayag yung tita nya. Nalaman na kasi ng pamilya nya kung anong mga nangyari sa kanila ni boni. Ramdam ko yung galit ng tita nya. Gusto nilang bugbugin si boni at ipakulong. Okay naman kami nung nag usap kami ng tita nya. Nagegets ko kung saan nang gagaling yung galit nya.

Lumipas ang isang linggo, di na kami nakapag life group sa vergon. Nahirapan narin ako starting nung si ate maine ay pumasok na sa eksena. Parang sa lahat ng bida, sya ang bida bida. Para syang parasite na gusto nyang alam nya lahat ng chika sa mundo.

Di pa sya part ng team 12 that time.

Moving forward, nag kakwentuhan na sila ni Jannahgurl kasi si Jannah very open kahit kanino. Kahit di nag tatanong, sasabihin nya sa iba kung anong issue nya sa buhay. Kaso mali sya ng napag sabihan.

Inopen nya kay ate maine yung sa kanilang dalawa ni boni. Tapos ang dami nang nakaalam. And the whole week was very tough for everyone.

Metanoia week na... (balik tayo sa media issue)

Saturday night, after metanoia, pinuntahan ko si pj sa studio. Na miminister ako tuwing nakikinig sa metanoia sessions. and that time sampul ako sa forgiveness na session. Need daw mag patawad kaht di nahingi ng tawad. Maraming ginawang kasalanan si pj sakin. Pag ddisrespect nya at pagiging hambog sa lahat ng parte. Pero kaya yon lunukin, pero yung di ko kaya is yung pag ddisrespect nya sa rules and regulations sa campus pati pagkawalang respeto nya sa mga kuya namin sa kampo. Pero kahit di sya humingi ng tawad, pinapatawad ko na sya. Pero nung pinuntahan ko sya sa studio, to say sorry dahil utos iyon ni dad, ang tigas nya. Parang di sya nag metanoia. Nag request pa sya ng restitution. To be honest, gusto ko syang sabihang patay-gutom that time. Kasi pwede ka naman mag patawad ng di nang hihingi ng kapalit. hahhaaha. Pero baka nangangailangan sya kaya, pumayag na ko.

Sunday, after metanoia and service , nag meeting kaming media. Just to settle the conflict.

That time alam kong luge ako. Si mommy, favourite si ate val and pj pati kuya marzan. Wala akong palag don. Tapos si msloi, sa gitna lang. Kaya alam kong dehado ako. Pero mahal ko silang lahat. Kasama sa conflict yung pag oopen ko kay billy ng mga about kay pj and kay ate maine mga kinaiinisan ko sa mundo. Tapos marami pang issue. Nabanggit rin ni pj na di nya daw ako kinakausap dahil daw baka kung anong masabi nya na mag ttrigger para maremind ako sa treatment sakin ng step-mom ko. At that moment, napaisip ako. Iilan lang naman ang nakakaalam ng about sa step mom ko. Sino nag sabi kay pj? si mommy? si daddy? si msloi? si thalia? or si ate val?

sila lang ang naiisip ko. Pero mas malaking porsyento.... si ate val ang nag sabi. Nag conclude ulit ako na "sabi na pinaguusapan ako ng dalawang to e"

Inabot kami ng gabi. Actually, tinapos nalang ni mommy. Pero alam namin na walang nasettle. Nag sayang lang kami ng oras.

After that meeting, lumabas kami. Treat ko. syempre, restitution daw e.

During kainan, need kong mag panggap na okay ako. Need kong magsalita. Need kong makisama. Baka kasi sabihin nilang labag sakin yung treat ko.

Pero habang nag lalakad kami pauwi, ang daming argument sa utak ko. Maraming question na na retain sakin. Hindi nsolve ng kahit ano or kahit sino ang conflict sa media o sa mga taong nasa loob. Walang naresolve.

Buong linggo kong knompose yung sarili ko.

balik tayo sa case ni boni and jannah. Because of what happened sa kanila, na D.A si boni and tinanggal as j12 coordinator. Pero pinag-stay sya sa team 12 parin. Na naging question ko ulit.

"Ako ba yung mali? Sa case ni boni, bakit di sya tinanggal sa team 12?" well, wala naman akong pake kung nandun sya or wala, ang pinaka-pake ko is nag cocompromised palagi? Alam ko namang sapat na yung mawala sya as coordinator. Pero naging reason lang yon para mawalan sya ng responsibility. So, nag ka idea ako.

Since ayaw naman nila mommy ng output and initiatives ko sa socmed. Siguro pag nag pa D.A ako mawawalan rin ako ng gagawin sa support team. That time kasi nasa social media pa ko e. Tapos lahat ng gawin ko, negative kala mommy na napag dugtong ko sa issue namin sa media. Boni, ate val and pj. The main character of this story. Meron pa before, about naman kay kuya mack (ang dami kong kinakalaban, pansin ko lang.) Nag ccompromised rin sila kay kuya mack kasi sgro mas matagal na si kuya mack tapos lagi sila nililibre. Tas favourite din.

Sa church kasi tatlong klase ng treatment: the favourite, the outcast and the nonchalant.

Balik tayo sa kwento....

Chinat ko si msloi, (that time nasa campus pa ko nag wwork non.) Sabi ko gusto kong mag paD.A sa sobrang dami ko nang mali (including yung treatment ko kay kuya mack). Para madisiplina ako. Nag insist rin ako na tanggalin ako sa team 12. (kahit kakapasok ko palang don). Alam kong because of may commitment of doing the life group and all kaya naipasok ako sa team 12. Pero ang pinaka-nag pa go signal sa kanila para ipasok ako sa team 12 is nung nireport ko kala msloi na may something kala boni and jannah.

I hate promotion kapag alam kong may dehado sa baba. Ayokong maging reason ang pagbagsak ng isa para lang umangat ako. Alam kong di naman yon ang reason nila kung bakit nila ko pinasok sa team 12. Though isa yon sa nabanggit ni msloi, "you are a reliable disciple. You are a life guide na talaga."

Pero you know what's the hardest part? It's nung time na sinabi kong ayoko na po maging part ng team 12 dahil pwede naman ako mag serve kahit walang position. Paulit ulit ko yon sinasabi kala msloi, sigro narindi nalang sila. Alam ko kung paano mairita si msloi. Papatulan ka nya talaga. (pero mahal ko sya at may respect ako sa kanya) ang sabi ni msloi and mseva "si aljane nalang." For me oks lang naman, qualified naman si aljane. Ang sabi ko lang "go po." wala kasi talaga kong pakelam. Gusto ko lang mag serve as normal na tao.

Pero nag papa-D.A ako at nag papademote for the purpose na makapag-isip isip. Kasi kung ako ang mali at sila tama, need kong madisiplina na hindi nila maibigay sakin. Kaya ako na mag dedecide. Kasi kung di nila yon ibibigay sakin, uulitin ko lang ng uulitin. Kasi kung di ko naman pala nagagampanan yung dapat kong gawin, bakit pa ako nandoon. Napapagod ako makisama sa kanilang lahat na iba iba ang objective.

Kinabukasan, nag usap usap kami sa office with dad and mom. Sinabi ni msloi kala mommy yung message ko sa kanya na gsto ko mag paD.A. pinilit nila kong sabihin ang pinaka reason.

Nung una, ayoko pa sabihin. Hanggang sa dumating yung point na pina-amin ako ni mseva. Napunto ni mseva kung nasa management ba daw yung reason kung bakit ako nag kakaganto. Tapos nag speak si mommy "sabihin mo na, sino ba yon?"

Tapos tumingin ako kay mommy, "Ikaw po my."

"ako?"

Kita ko kay mommy yung pag kairita. Alam kong kung di lang sya nakakilala baka nag wala na sya don. Masakit ang katotohanan pero i thought that time, matured si mommy kasi pastora sya. Nung time na yon, dinig ko sa boses nya ang pag kainis.

nag ask sya anong reason and all. Sinabi ko lahat dahil, honest akong tao. Lalo na sa mga nag tatanong. i thought ready si mommy marinig lahat ng knoconfess ko.

Hindi pala.

Imbis na makinig, pumapalag sya. Sinabi ko kay mommy na pabago bago sya ng desisyon. Kaya nung nag meeting kami sa media, yung mga suggestion nya and all, inamin ko rin sa kanya na di ko na pinakikinggan. Wala syang integrity and laging nagccompromised sa mga paborito nyang tao.

Nung time na mejo mainit na ang talakayan namin ni mommy, si daddy na ang nakipag usap sakin.

To be honest, alam kong kakalma ako kay dad though alam ko naman na mga sasabihin nya. Wag kakantiin ang sugo ng Diyos. Mga example nya si moses, david and mga character sa bible na sumunod lang sa kanilang mga master.

Nakikinig lang ako kay dad kasi di naman nya ko tinatanong. At kung tanungin nya man ako, same parin ang sasabihin ko.

Sarado ang tenga ko pero bukas ang isip ko. Bingi ako sa lahat ng sinasabi nila dahil wounded na ko. Patid na patid na ko sa lahat ng compromise nila sa mga tao sa church. Nung una kay ate val, tas kay pj tapos now pati kay boni?

After ng mahabang talakayan, pinag sorry ako ni dad kay mommy. Nag sorry ako. Pero alam kong wala paring nassolve. Hindi massolve ng "patawaran" at "yakapan" ang totoong nangyayari sa kasalukuyan.

A day or two nag message ako kay mommy. Marami akong nasabi sa message ko, including yung sinabi ni ate val sa meeting na "nag pupuyat sila just to send yung need sa service and nila mommy." Then sabi ni mommy that time, sunod daw ako kala ate val and sa mga ginagawa nila para daw isang mind and heart ang gumagana. At marami pang argument sa utak ko non. Above all the argument, ang summary ay "bakit ko sila susundin, e nag wwalk out nga yan. May topak nga yan. inispoil nyo nga lang yan." (pero d ko na to sinabi sa meeting kasi knoconsider ko rin mararamdaman ni ate val, ate ko parin sya. Kaya sa message ko kay mommy, isa sa hinighlight ko... "so need ko po palang mag puyat just to fulfill yung needs nyo po and mga need sa ministry? di ba po napaka unprofessional naman nyan" di ganyan exact na sinabi ko sa message pero ganyan yung thought. Baka mas masakit pa nga. Nasabi ko rin na mataas yung standard nila mommy sa operation kaya di rin maiwan ni pj yung media ops at hindi sya makpag disciple. Dahil walang room for improvement. Gusto perfect agad. Pati yung pag papaalis sakin ni mommy sa bf nung time na may conflict kami ni msloi. naopen ko rin kay mommy. Sobrang open ko non. Sinabi ko lahat sa message. Lahat ng galit, inis at kimkim. Sinabi ko lahat. Aware akong masasaktan ko si mommy sa ginawa at ginagawa ko. Pero wala na 'kong pake. Kailangan nilang maging aware.

Nag sorry si mommy sa lahat ng sakit na naidulot nya sakin through message. Finorgive ko sya. Pero tanda ko parin lahat. Nag sorry din ako kasi alam kong nasasaktan sya sa lahat ng sinasabi ko that time.

Hindi narin ako naattend non sa team 12 meetings dahil sa mga arguments ko. Gusto ko na talaga kumawala.

Until pinatawag ulit ako sa office.

Dahil nakarating kay dad lahat ng message ko kay mommy, This time si dad lang ang kumausap sakin. Hindi ako binigyan ni dad ng chance mag speak, kasi alam nyang puro argument lang ang lalabas sa bibig ko. Pinatawan ako ni dad ng D.A because of what i did kay mommy. Alam kong hinanapan nalang ako ng butas ni dad para lang mafulfill yung kagstuhan ko na ma D.A.

Pinapili nya ko, kung aalis daw ako, wala na kong proteksyon. Lilipat daw ako ng church. Pero kung mag sstay ako, aattend daw ako ng team 12 meeting that sunday. And that moment, gusto ko panndigan yung desisyon ko. Dahil ayun talaga yung alam kong magpapalaya sakin. Pero ayokong saktan si daddy. Kaya that time, nasa kalagitnaan ako ng kalayaan ko o reputasyon ni daddy.

Maraming sinabi si dad about sa proteksyon, sinama nya pati family ko. Wala daw silang proteksyon kapag kumawala ako. Isipin ko daw sila. That time, naisip ko sya as threat.

Kaya pinili ko na mag stay.

Inannounce ni dad sa team ang mga taong under D.A. Si boni, ako and kuya sermart.

During meeting, tinopic ni dad ang about sa levites. Wag daw kakantiin ang levites. (staff, mom and dad, coordinators, ates and kuyas)

Kpag may conflict daw, wag ibababa sa mas nakababa ang issues. dapat daw sa nakatataas. (pnpoint ni dad dito yung pag oopen ko kay billy and thals)

Tas nag raise ako ng hand, "pano po kapag yung nasa taas ang nag kkwento ng nasa taas rin?"

si mseva ang sumagot that time, nag babago daw ang level of authority kapag ganon ang sitwasyon. That time, kasama na namin si ate maine sa team 12. sya naman ang pinapatamaan ko that time. (ang dami kong binabangga diba?) nag ka-idea ako na banggain si mommy because of ate maine. Nag kwento sya sakin ng negative about kay mommy. Na inject sakin yon kaya nag ka-idea ako na pwede naman pala mag open-up kay mommy. Pero it turns out na mali palang mag confess at mag sabi ng totoo. Kasi pag nasaktan sila, D.A ka.

Hanggang sa pati life group ko tinaggal nila. Well okay lang naman. Pero di nila sinalo ng tama. Kaya mejo nakakairita rin. Sabi ni msloi, kaya daw nila. Pero alam kong nasaktan ko rin si msloi. Kasi sya nag suggest na ipasok ako sa team 12 e. At alam kong hanggang ngayon, nasasaktan ko sya. Especially, kahit di na ko D.A , is di parin ako nag wwork sa life groups ko. Ang issue ko naman dito is, yung O.A na limitations for the youth. Nilagay nila ko sa campus pero ayaw nila ng way of approach ko. Mas gsto ko nalang di mag life group kung ganon din naman nag result. Di pa ko pagod. Makakatulog pa ko ng sapat. Until now, marami parin akong ginagawa na against sa kanila.

To summarize,

gusto ko lang na mag karoon kami ng isang salita, for the benefit rin ng church. kung di pwede umakyat sa stage ang di faithful at di consistent sa devo, wag paakyatin. Pag may ginawa, bigyan ng karampatang parusa. Kasi lalong lalala ang church kung laging mag cccompromise. Lalo na kung paulit-ulit.

Pwera nalang kung favourite. Ganon kasi ang Lord sa Israel e.

pero ayon, i'm planning pa what to do next....

only God knows...

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marradappleonthetop · 1 year ago

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Nakakatampo ka naman hon. Again, I'm sorry. It feels like I disappointed you too. I'm waiting for you to ask about my day. "Anong ginawa mo hon? Kamusta practice? Ano ginawa mo?" Something like that. Nag hihintay akong tanungin mo ko ng ganyan kanina sa xevera. I'm so excited to see you. I made an effort to see you. I waited for you cause I really want to see you. I want to talk about a lot of things, pero feeling ko di ka naman interesado. You speak a few words kapag nag kikita tayo, laging ganon. Tbh I'm really struggling kung paano kita kakausapin kasi di ka naman ganyan dati. Mas clingy ka nga dati sakin. Idk, it's just feels like something change and I don't want to over react. I'm really doing my best hon. Something happened kanina kauwi ko so... I'm being too sensitive nanaman I'm sorry naapektuhan ka. I'm really sorry hon.

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white-wysteria · 1 month ago

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treating asa different, are we?

-franklin

"Oh please. As if you can talk about the difference in treatment of people. What about that poor boy Wilbur? It's such a shame that he adores you so much, Franklin. You kick him like he's a dog that you simply can't be bothered to care for. Don't be surprised when he runs back to me after you abuse him like a poor, innocent child.

What do you know about this anyway? All you care about is that girl. Kikita, isn't it? Gosh, it's so very embarrassing that you are at her beck and call. You run to her when she needs anything at all. You would never catch me stooping so low. But that's what happens when you're in love, eh?

Cut through it all, Shepherd. You are in love with her. She is your Achilles heel, and one day, when she is utterly hopeless, you will have to watch her without being able to gift her your help. Suffering is inevitable, I know that much. Your little secret is safe with me, though. Who knows what would happen if people knew how much you truly liked her. Nothing good, eh?

As for Damon, he is... sufficient, I suppose. He is far more intelligent than any of the rest of you, and I find his company to be enjoyable, albeit, annoying at times. Not annoying like the ginger one is annoying. Annoyingly intelligent. He is worth ten of you, Franklin. The island medic has much more worth than a pathetic excuse of a man hiding behind a mask of his own past.

Do I treat him differently? Or are you seeing a reflection of yourself in my eyes? I am not you, Franklin. Damon is nothing more than a little pawn in my game, regardless of how I treat him. He's smart... I reckon I like that he's smart enough to keep him very close to me.

You lay down with feral dogs, Shepherd, and you wake up as one of the pack. I thought you of all people would know this, considering who your father is.

Get out of my sight before you alert the others of this little... altercation between us. Poor Wilbur would run himself into the woods, all sick to his stomach. And we are already dealing with enough, eh? Who would want the poor boy who loves you so very dearly to find himself alone... in the woods? With the vampires."

find asa (mentioned): @ask-asa-damon-lotf

find franklin: @ask-franklin-shepherd

find kikita (mentioned): @lolita-ily and @kikita-answers-lotf

find wilbur (mentioned): @wilbur-holland-lotf

#lord of the flies #lotf #lotf fandom #lotf jude #lotf oc #answer #jude reeves #lotf franklin #lotf kikita #lotf asa #lotf wilbur #i am so sorry to anyone mentioned in this ask my oc is AWFUL until he gets to trust people #which won't be... for a while

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ask-franklin-shepherd · 22 days ago

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this is how i say sorry for being gone for like a week lol

kikita belongs to @lolita-ily

#lord of the flies #lotf #lotf fandom #lotf oc #lotf ask blog #lotf frankie #lotf community #lotf kikita #lotf frankita #oh look there’s a tag now

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sunb0rn · 3 years ago

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12 February 2021

workout kwento

nag morning jog parentals kanina, hindi ako sumama kasi may need gawin ng maaga. sabi ko kay mamy, mag work out nalang ako dito; pag dating nila, una niyang tanong "nag work out kana?"

and i was like?? sorry mii hah?? aga aga?? haha jke. but yeah, ang health conscious kasi tlga ng nanay ko.

kapag alam nya na super busy sa work inaask nya ako kung nakkatakbo pa ba ako sa compound; na matagal ko nang hindi nagagawa HAHAHA

pero ano, eto pag napayat ako dhil sa stress "nambabash" like "di bagay sayo magkakain ka ulit". pag nataba naman, yun nga panay paalala mga kinakain at physical activity.

while working out, nag pop ung chat ni Cess;

natuwa lang din ako kasi dba hindi na ako nag FB; yan naman ngayon lang nagamit.

naka deact sya for most times ng ilang years para iwas away with jowa 🙄 pero ngayon lahat ng socmed papaka active yan. HAHAHA. happy lang ako she's breaking free. tas parang excite ako maka interact sya kahit nag kikita naman kami sa office. oh well, im this attached to people and their lives lang ata talaga.

*insert mid workout glow pic ems. pinaganda ko lang pero pawis at oily face lang talaga

gabi na ako nakapag workout, muntik ko na nga hindi ituloy kasi antok na ako kanina ehh. pero sabi ko, pag di ko sinimulan, kelan nanaman??

first workout (ata??) dito sa bahay ngayong 2022

#ll #feb 2022

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kikita-answers-lotf · 1 month ago

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Kikita, not to sound rude or anything but what do you see in that Alexander boy? You're so sweet and cute and he is just...him

-🎀

What…Do I see in him?

“Oh he’s just, you know, the perfect boy! He teaches me how to behave and be more “civilised” and in a path of redemption, he says. Sometimes he’s abit scary, but I trust him. He’s just, amazing, you know? He does his best to keep people safe and sound. He’s just…A saint”

“Lately, he kinda annoys me with his cape thing during meetings or gatherings, i dislike it and he gets upset if I pull it off, but I don’t know how you handle clothes! Its so itchy, restraining and uncomfy…I dont like that, even the finest shirt feels like a torture but Im trying to keep his cape on, he likes it dearly so I must be careful with it and respectful…At least its how civilised people works?? It was nice talking to you Mary, hope we can have long chats again without Merridew scolding us!”

-Kikita🦋

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーー

Yall im freaking late on all the asks like what😭😭😭 im so sorry im a lil lazy and disorganized so I’ll randomly answer them, school work is killing me too sooo-

bye! Love yall💕

Normam belongs to @msfisherot

Mary belongs to @beeari

#lotf #lotf fandom #lotf oc #lord of the flies #lotf kikita #kikita lotf #lotf ask blog #kikita answers!!#norman alexander

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tosikoarts · 4 years ago

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SFW Alphabet | Nikaidou Kouhei

I’m so sorry you had to wait for so long, boo, but if you see it I hope you’ll like it! Absolutely agreed on that Nikaidou deserves much love too! Please enjoy ♡ You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Before the unfortunate incident with Ogata and the bear happened, Nikaidou was such a braggart both about himself and his amazing s/o. They are the best around. He is one lucky guy to have them as a partner.

His main love language was going overboard with praise and physical touch. Not a day went by without Nikaidou paying at least one sweet compliment to the subject of his adoration. In addition, his face lighted up when they praised him for anything, be it his soldier's courage or deep dark eyes. Sometimes their dialogue turned into a verbal duel over who will overcompliment whom and it could last for half of the hour until one of them just started spilling the dumbest figures of speech imaginable.

But after the incident, things changed. Now he is all distant and quiet and then in a blink of an eye manic one running around in a stupefying delirium. When the painful realization of the horrors he and his poor brother endured becomes too clear, too close, Nikaidou’s whole world shrinks to the neck of a morphine bottle.

Physical contact? Well... After another maim, it is better to refrain from touching his bare skin altogether. But when Nikaido calms down (with the help of morphine or on his own), you can try to hug him and pat him on the head. Nikaidou himself refrains from initiating anything physical since the absence of his hand leaves him feeling less of a man and makes full-fledged embrace impossible. It truly saddens him.

In general, without his wonderhat and prostheses, Nikaidou feels extremely vulnerable and any touch of the skin near the supposed location of the ear, a stump of an arm or leg burns him like a red-hot iron. It is enormously aching, but for their sake, he can ignore it for a while. Their care is a medicine that is always in abundance but he is not the most compliant patient.

Once in a blue moon, he decides to give them a gift. The last one was made by Edogai. His fancy gloves of dubious origin have no frills, but are very pleasant to the touch, solid and hard. He has a hat, they have gloves, they match perfectly!

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Quite literally friendship-emotional-rollercoaster. Becoming friends with Nikaidou is easy but maintaining this friendship requires effort. It most likely originated in cold soldiers' barracks from occasional small talk about the harshness of military life. As expected, Kouhei’s friend is Yuhei’s friend too, - find trouble, make it double, - making them a famous trio of rascals that brings nothing but distress to other soldiers.

Prior to the loss of the ear, scalp, arms, legs, brother, a good chunk of sanity Nikaidou would like to hang out almost every day, drinking, visiting geishas, sitting on the war department porch, and enjoying heated debate about the future attack. Picking on others is also one of their favorite activities. A little bit of gossiping? Yes, please. Do I need to mention they usually get to serve detention together as well.

After numerous injuries, he gets an unpleasant pulling sensation in the abdomen when the thought of losing them pops In his head. Nikaidou can afford one more limb being cut off thanks to confidence in Arisaka’s natural ingenuity but losing them? Not like they can be replaced by anyone. Moreover, they are dear to his heart because they are a living reminder of the deceased brother.

Lets them talk into the ear and translates whatever comes from it as a form of… conversation. Nikaidou looks like he is about to throw a tantrum when he once again has to work with Usami or Kikita instead of his dear friend. They are also the one Tsukishima can turn to when Lieutenant Tsurumi isn’t around and Nikaidou refuses to give up a bottle of morphine.

Friendship with him is like talking to a different person every time. He is an irrepressible optimist, a child in a crippled body, that shares frightening thoughts about capturing the Immortal Sugimoto. He is also an anxious tangle of nerves hiding from the daylight like it will burn him alive. He is also a serious veteran that will shot the enemy on the spot if they get too close to him or them.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Pick a wrong time and you’ll get to cuddle a wood log instead of a breathing human being. It is a matter of luck and good timing instead of a cute date idea with a loved one. Nikaidou, if in a playful mood, would tease his s/o pretending he has no idea what they want from him. Maybe, they want to shake his hand? Real one or a wood one? As soon as they make a move, he will crawl away with a wide snide smile on his pale face. Eventually, Nikaidou will surrender to their mercy and tight overwhelming embrace but before that happens, he will have some fun playing naïve dummy. Any other time when Nikaidou is obsessing over random idee fixe he will ignore any attempts to cuddle him and even may jump away from them like from the flame. His perception of the touch varies depending on the mood it seems.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

To keep it short, no. Nothing and no one can convince Nikaidou that he has even the slightest chance of becoming a family man. The very thought of something like this makes him burst into hysterical laughter. He is not suitable for this, it is not worth trying so broken man Nikaidou has already joined Ogata’s little I’d Rather Kick A Bucket Than Settle Down club. Mediocre in both cleaning and cooking, doesn’t need constant persuasion to do either.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Endured torment reduced the potential emotional pain to almost non-existing so it won't be difficult for Nikaidou to just leave, to cut them off for their own good. The assumption that they need to end the relationship indicates a major shifting in Nikaidou’s life (maybe, he already knows that his life will end this evening) but at this point, the break-up doesn’t seem like a significant event anymore. Heavily sedated he mutters something unintelligible and then with Arisaka’s bayonet precision cuts the rubbish and announces that they are no longer a couple, they won’t see each other, they should not look for each other under any circumstances, and walks away. No hesitation, no doubts, only humility and disconnection.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Would love to get married someday, spend the rest of his life with a loved one far away from the horrors of war and the gold hunt. However, its possibility seems so elusive and unattainable that Nikaidou decided to put this thought on the back-burner. Now his mind is preoccupied with the desire to slit Sugimoto the Immortal open so even if there is a loved one by his side Nikaidou is highly unlikely to propose. Any hints and mentions of the wedding fly into one ear and fly out of the other.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Nikaidou began to appreciate moments of vulnerability and gentleness after life dumped the pile of shit on him. The tides of tenderness are always unexpected but most often they happen in the middle of the night when he jumps up drenched in a cold sweat from a nightmare. That’s when he snuggles closer to them like a child scared by dreadful thunderclaps and branched lightning. There are not so many things he needs to be happy: a gentle kiss on the top of the head would do just fine. Nikaidou also shows his soft side when the silly childish nature overcomes the bereaved byproduct of the war he has become. Then life seems a little more fun for him, and even more pleasant with their fingers squeezed in his hand. Otherwise, he is completely closed off both physically and emotionally and if confronted can’t even figure out what a person wants from him.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Each of their meetings awakens an irresistible desire in Nikaidou to embrace them in his arms and spin them around to the sound of their ringing laughter. However, as soon as he leans forward, slightly bends the knees so they can jump up for a hug, invisible threads pull him back. You can pinpoint an exact moment when it hits him that Nikaidou awkwardly straightens up and looks bewildered for where to put his hands. In addition, he feels guilty either for the fact that he cannot give what they are asking for or for that he is so self-critical. If they still decide to take the initiative and hug him Nikaidou will not protest. So to say he never hugs them first but will return a hug half of the time.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It doesn’t take him long to confess, I’d say, time ranges from three to six months. Since Nikaidou quickly becomes comfortable with patient people who return his love, he will not miss the moment to mention how he feels. Each of his declarations of love is unique. Sometimes Nikaidou grabs them by the hand and runs away into the sunset to recite a verse in a secluded corner. Sometimes he spins around with puppy delight and chatters nonsense, mixing it with I love you. I really do. Did I tell you that I love you? Wait, did I? It’s impossible to get a serious confession from him even when Nikaidou gives the impression of a collected person. Absolutely ecstatic when his s/o whispers sweet nonsense and words of love into his ear. You can see it by the changes on his hat.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Nikaidou is one of those people who can go batshit crazy in the blink of an eye because of one wrong word. Even silence in combination with an appraising gaze flares him up like a red rag does so on a bull and there is no going back from this point. He is laconic. No empty threats, no long prelude. Once Nikaidou draws out a knife it’s between his rival and God. This man doesn’t mind getting messy since every outrageous deed of his will be blamed either on painkillers or someone else. Tsurumi probably won’t want him to end up behind bars or on the scaffold.

Won’t ever accuse his s/o of being unfaithful and will turn blind eye to red flags because… Perhaps he is simply not ready to lose another loved one. Without realizing it, Nikaidou ignores veiled disparaging phrases and undisguised interest in someone else for the sake of peace of mind.

That doesn’t mean he won’t kick man’s ass to prevent subsequent misunderstandings.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Messy, greedy, and ingratiating. He was pretty popular among girls way back in time so you can call him an experienced one and it shows. When Nikaidou is struck by unexpected amorousness in public, he will occasionally plant a kiss on his s/o’s cheek or shoulder. No, social unacceptability does not matter at all in a face of his feelings. In private he is just uncontrollable: Nikaidou goes from kisses to bites back to nibbling exploring them from head to toes. Prefers to kiss his s/o behind the ears, on clavicles, grooves between the ribs, etc. Any place where there is almost nothing between the bone and the covering skin makes his neurons fire additional dopamine. At the same time, he can be wayward about being kissed so the safest options are kisses on the cheek or nose.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

I have reasonable doubts that any mother would want their kids to hand out around such a seasoned soldier as Nikaidou is but if it ever happened, they would have a fun time together. He turns into an absolute sweetheart when a little child grabs him by the hand and drag him along to show some sloppy hand-made craft. Even if Nikaidou tried to be harsh and unapproachable, his mask would fly off as soon as a high-pitched voice asked to play tag. Nevertheless, he prefers to stay away from kids to avoid scaring them with whatever frightening that could break through in his behavior. No need to give little one a recurring nightmare about limbs occasionally falling off to rumbling mirthless laughter. Never thought about having kids of his own but would definitely ponder if his s/o brought up this question. So, maybe, they and one or two cute little girls could make a perfect family?

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

They are erratic. To begin with, Nikaidou rarely spends nights with his loved one so catching him in the early hours is a tall tale. Much more often he visits them at lunchtime or even later in the afternoon having already fulfilled the plan to vex the top of the division. His mood has already dropped from a mania mark to ecstasy or normal level of excited agility making Nikaidou a skilled handyman, a voluble interlocutor, and an ardent lover three in one. While there is a free minute, he wants to mend creaking boards in the hallway right after describing the latest adventures in the smallest detail. May kiss them now and there between looking for the right tools and starring outside for a few sec. Overall Nikaidou endeavors to get the best of hours spent together.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Just like with mornings, staying over in his loved one’s place is a gemlike rarity. By the end of the day Nikaidou still in full swing and keeps the same attitude as earlier. When his battery finally dies, he turns into sluggish sessile mollusca Nikaidou homebodius that refuses to leave the secure shellhouse even if they beg him tearfully. Since outdoor activities are no longer an option, his s/o can try reading out loud, playing different board games, or chatting. Sleep quickly overpowers Nikaidou and he drags his loved one to bed or, if they don’t really want to sleep, tricks them into sitting next to him while he is peacefully dozing off.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Before the accident, he doesn’t feel the need to talk through every little event that happened to him during the conscious years of his life. If they ask specific questions, Nikaidou will still describe the past in general. The childhood did not differ from theirs, filled with small problems and big discoveries (as for a child). Teenage years? Well, nothing special, been there, done this… Neither he asks too much about his partner's past.

After all of the shit he endured, suspicion forces Nikaidou to always be alert and keep the banalest things to himself. You have to be a trusted person with a big T for him to open up at his own will.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

In a relatively safe environment and next to a loved one Nikaidou lowers his guard and allows himself to be amiable despite all irritants. He is too tired to worry, too tired to resort to passive aggression leave alone yell at them or show his anger in any other way so expect small sighs as a reaction to most stupid mistakes. Sometimes he just bursts out laughing instead of commenting on another misunderstanding. They may raise their voice in exasperation and Nikaidou would rather meekly look down than do the same in response. In a relationship, making him angry is not an easy task.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Nikaidou has a very selective memory which requires a strong emotional outburst to remember a thing. No matter how important it is in the eyes of his loved one or even in his own without proper reinforcement he won’t memorize it. For example, hypothetically and forgetting how he feels about the idea of family and marriage, on his wedding day he is overflowing with real solid happiness so naturally, this significant date will be engraved in his memory for life. Yet an important statement thrown in the boring conversation is unlikely to catch his attention. He pays little attention to anniversaries, remembers their birthday 5 times out of 10, and honestly is ok if they are just as thoughtful.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The first moment of non-sexual intimacy like bathing together. It left Nikaidou speechless in unsuspected awkwardness of being perceived as he is, without the chance to hide or leave. For the first time in a while, he finds himself wondering what another person thinks of him, what sees in from of them, what feels toward him. Thanks to their love Nikaidou finds himself comfortable in his skin and a little more grounded. In a good way.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Congratulations on acquiring the iron man of the century with a wide range of body modifications to make this life safer for you and your loved ones. He won’t think twice to use Arisaka’s creations, both mechanisms hidden in the limbs and simply rifles created by his design, to disintegrate the slightest threat to his dearest. Not everybody around is seen as an enemy even though Nikaidou is terrified of losing them especially taking into account the unfolding carnage. Won’t ever ask them to protect him, won’t let them do it under any circumstances and if they show willfulness, he will surely scold them after a scrape.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Thinking ahead is the fate of weaklings. He has thought out one or two dates before realizing how tedious they appear so after that Nikaidou decided to invest only in the form of spur-of-the-moment ideas. Remembers about the anniversary if his loved one hints at it coming but diligently picks up a classic gift for them under the supervision of Tsukishima or Tsurumi himself. Likes to do chores? Hell yeah. When in a good mood Nikaidou can replace a whole group of handymen.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Not particularly that ugly? This is a problem that seeps into everyday life slowly and imperceptibly but sooner or later his small misdemeanors in everyday social interactions start to show. He misses one social cue, makes the situation kind of uncomfortable but doesn’t notice it until someone cautiously points it out. He tends to interrupt mid-sentence, often gets lost in thoughts and it puzzles him if a person finds it rude. Nikaidou navigates in society more or less successfully but can inadvertently bring a little awkwardness to the group.

Well, he is prone to all sorts of addiction. Not only painkillers. Any stupefying substance is at risk of transitioning from I’ll try it once just to know what’s like to I’ll go commit multiple atrocities if I don’t find a bottle or two.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

You probably don't expect to hear it, but outside the usual rush, Nikaidou prefers to keep himself neat and clean despite his style being on the weirder end of the style. He takes good care of his wooden limbs and repairs minor injuries himself. If the damage is done is beyond the limits of his capabilities, Nikaidou has no problem with asking Arisaka for a replacement. Definitely gets attached to clothes from his meager wardrobe easily.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

One of those people who won’t have energy left to go on without them. It’s misery. The devastation. The finish line right before the steep cliff that you don't have a spare second to stop from flying out into the abyss. Thirst for revenge helped him get back on his feet after losing his twin brother, who knows if it works twice. Overpowering sorrow sends Nikaidou into a frenzied episode of weeping and sobbing, he screams and wails like a wounded animal. If their killer is still around, he’ll try to cut them open in a fit of blind rage.

May fall in short psychosis and spend days sitting by their lifeless body, caressing heavy cold hands and peering in their lifeless eyes. Irreversibility of what is done hits him hard leading to gradual burnout.

And if they decide to leave him Nikaidou will hold a grudge. Everything is far from being as bad as in the previous scenario though, he just wants some space and everybody to shut the hell up as he stabs random objects. Secretly hopes for them to change their mind and come back. Somehow feels guilty about not being good enough.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

After 15 minutes of thinking, I came to the conclusion that I have none. Sorry!

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

It goes without saying changing Nikaidou is a waste of time like he is far from being a malleable clay and even further from mulling about adapt to someone's tastes. The thought is so bizarre that it fails to reach his subcortical structures and even if it did Nikaidou would rather flip a table and jump out of the window than agree to that idea.

The cold aloof type doesn’t get a pass either since without some effort on the part of the other person, they won’t pass the greeting milestone. Good luck in staring from afar as he evanesces with someone else's riffle running away from jaded Tsukishima.

People accustomed to planning every second of their lives with the scrupulousness of a busy businessman will have a hard time dealing with spontaneous shifts in Nikaidou’s mood and schedule. Half of the time he has a problem drawing a clock if you know what I mean.

Sugimoto’s relatives lmao, Nikaidou would definitely doesn’t like that in a partner.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Turns into an unmovable stone by ten and passes out with clenching on their hand using it as a pledge of good sleep. If he did not manage to fall asleep, it means that Nikaidou could not spend all his energy during the day and will have to do this in the middle of the night. Don’t be surprised if you wake up to a newly planted garden or Nikaidou stuck in the roof. No, I don’t know how.

Dreams mostly about his brother. Surprisingly, nightmares rarely bother him and Youhei appears in bright scenes, basically, in an alternative universe where they never have joined the army and stayed forever in the fondest hometown. After such dreams, Nikaidou wakes up with an unpleasant feeling of a lump in his throat but at the same time, even such an illusory meeting with his brother gives him the strength to keep going.

Indecisive whether he prefers to sleep with prostheses on or not. Prostheses on and Nikaidou is ready to protect and attack at any time but he would not want to make them uncomfortable

#golden kamuy #golden kamuy headcanon #golden kamuy imagine #nikaidou kouhei #tosikowrites

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